Trials Bring Deeper Dependence

   Hello family and friends! Just like that I am out of South Africa and now reside in Quito, Ecuador. I am praising God that I have made it this far. I am praising God that he has lifted my arms when I could not do it anymore. I am praising God that I have made it to Ecuador with a breathe of fresh air. Fresh air, peace like a river, and a revived Spirit is where the Lord has brought me. Two weeks ago, I would not have been able to say that I felt this way. Two weeks ago, my Spirit was pressed on every side. Between my flesh and the enemy, I was feeling like I was almost crushed. Looking back to where I was reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4:8-12, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.” 

   The word I can think of to describe the past month in South Africa is testing. I was tested. I faced many trials as a leader. Trials that left room for the enemy to creep in and plant lies in my head. Lies that felt more like truths if I am being honest. Thoughts like “you have no business being here,” “you do everything wrong,” “Gods grace cannot be enough,” and “God cannot love someone like you”. But hope in Jesus kept me from defeat. I believe in Jesus. I believe he is the way, the truth and the life just as John 14:6 says. God brought me to a point that if I believe all of who Jesus is, that he came to earth as a man, put sin on his shoulders, died on the cross to save humanity, rose again defeating death, ascended into heaven to sit at the right hand of God and left the Holy Spirit as our promise for eternity with him, lavishing grace and love upon us all, I must actually believe and TRUST that if God is for me, nobody can come against me(Romans 8:32). I came to a point that Jesus was either everything, or he was nothing. Either I am here for a purpose much greater then myself or I am not. The Lord was revealing to me that I must believe the whole entirety of the truth, that it is just as much for me as it is for everyone else. He revealed to me that if my eyes are fixed on my circumstances, my failures and my feelings, but not on him, my dependency is lacking. 

   God revealed to me through all of this, that I was so worried about my title as leader, what my squad thought of me, what my leaders thought of me, and what my friends were thinking of me. I was so fixated on everyone else criticizing me, I was not looking in the eyes of my Creator, the one who is the name above all names, the everlasting Father(Isaiah 9:6), the only one who fully knows me and fully loves me(Psalm 139). God actually gave me a vision of my heart. I was looking into a pretty normal image that God gives me. I am in a flower field, dancing with Jesus that in order to get in I walk through tons of greenery and beauty. There are streams and mountains and it is the purest place I could ever be. The Lord then showed me all of these critics walking around. They were looking at everything, feeling every leaf, picking every flower, watching my every move. My gaze was fixed upon them. Unbelievable I know. I am dancing with the King of my life and I am looking at everything else. When he showed me this, I began to cry. I began to repent. Then I began to get mad. I was mad that the enemy was tricking me to look at everything but my Jesus. I was righteously angry and I began to think if I am this angry, how righteously angry is God? After all, he is a jealous God(Exodus 34:14). Jealous for the attention of his children. His love is so jealous for me and He’s been fighting a battle on my behalf for so long just to get me to this point that I realize how far, how wide, how deep his love truly is for me(Ephesians 3:14-19)? 

   It was in that moment that I realized, Jesus never took his eyes off of me. As we danced, He never looked away. Just as I look from the right and to the left, at everything but him, He never takes his eyes off of me. He is deeply for me. More for me than anyone I have ever known. It was only during that vision and after that the Lord caught my attention. For the past month my gaze has been on the problems of the world rather than on the one who already knew what was, what is and what is to come. He reminded me of Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” If my eyes are fixed on him, and if I trust him with all of my heart, not basing my trust off of my circumstances or what my experience has been in my past, he will make my paths straight. You see, he is the God of old, the one who knows it all, and the second I look at things with my own comprehension, I begin to drown in the opinions of others and not look to the complete truth that comes from the live and active word and breath of God. 

   As I was in the pit of my despair, God still met me right where I was. Though I had looked away and the enemy planted in me that I was unworthy because of it, God still lavished upon me his grace and love. He still remembered me by his steadfast love (Psalm 25:7). He still met me with just as much grace as he had for me the day I met Him. He has never and will never give up on me. Anthony Gurrola said it best, “God is not against you, He is against anything that isn’t really for you. For only a cowardly king would let his people rule themselves.” God is against satan himself. Not his children, not me, not you. Though this month was challenging and not at all what I figured it to be, God used what satan meant for evil and turned it for good (Genesis 51:20). 

   Every trial was worth it because Christ can be magnified through it all. Jesus came to my rescue. He allowed the enemy to test me because he knew it would only produce in me a deeper dependence on him. Just as he says in James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.” So though my prideful flesh wants to tear me down in moments like this telling me “You should not be struggling with things like this and you most definitely should not be telling people about it”, I consider it a joy to face this trial because I am even closer to my Jesus than I was before and that is what this life is all about, knowing him and making him known. 

I end this blog with praise to the Lord because though it was a hard month, I have a new perspective and deeper understanding of my Fathers love for me. I hope through this, you do too! I love you all, I pray this spoke to your Spirit, and I pray you would count it joy when you face many trials because it only leads you closer to the Father! 

Thanks for reading!

With many blessings and deep love, 

Hannah